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A Maze
The Twilit Teachings

I am getting married in December.

I just bought a house. Move in, in like, a month.

I do Independant Cat/Dog Rescue.

But I hate life. I want to just cry or sleep for as long as I can.

Despite all these things.

I am not happy.

But no one has ever cared about my happiness.

Why should now be different?

Current Location: Work.
Current Mood: crushed crushed
Current Music: Angels & Airwaves - The Adventure

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 You know, ever since I was small I had anger problems. But you know what? It's me. Take it or leave it. I'm sick of the bullshit people feed me and others, I am constantly the butt of everyones' jokes and hurtful words. You know what? I cease caring. About the people and what they say. Amythist can talk up all the shit she wants, I wont let it get to me anymore. 

Morgan was the one person I turned to for everything, but we simply drifted apart. I'm not stupid nor blind, I am willing to admit to my faults in this, but it takes two to tango. Dig? Somehow, -I- am the one to blame for all of this. Well, whatever. It's not like I can say anything different from what she says. She's always right, isn't she. Anything I say against she said to/about me, what's the point of me trying to say my side? I'm the one at fault. Well, fuck you. Fuck you and your pack. Everything you hold dear, fuck it to hell. *bares her teeth* OKay, that's harsh, but at this moment, I feel nothing but hatred and hurt, betrayl and spite. You say -I- am spiteful? I'm not the only one. And how dare you say I threw my members away. I thought I'd never see the day such shit spewed from your mouth. MoonWeaver left because she's a disloyal bitch. I trusted her as Alpha female and to help me keep TwilightVale going. She fucking left because I didn't want to merge. No other reason. She makes it seem like I was going to disband the pack. Never. She gave up on us and turned to a "big" pack where some activity was garunteed. Some loyal member, huh. Everyone left of their own accord, I never "cast" anyone aside, and how dare you fucking say so. I am not the monster you make me out to be. 

I don't come to you for anything anymore, the website shit was because of YOU. YOU made it as a gift and promised to maintain it. Thanks for going back on your word. Whatever, I can do just fucking fine without you. I have so far. Some things you wrote had a taint of truth, but hardly most of it. As you said, we will stay away from each other. I don't think I've disliked someone since Hunter or Donald. I dont care what you think of me anymore. Your opinion is just garbage to me now. So dont bother leaving a comment on this, it'll just be deleted. Oh, and I know you'll rant about this in your LJ, and that's just dandy. Do as you please. Just leave me the fuck out of it.

In other news, I wish I was killed in that wreck. Life just spiraled out of control for me.

Everyone who has an opinion in this,

Go die. I don't care.

You have no idea how much her words hurt me, the ONLY person who knows how to hurt me with what she says.

But, whatever. Not like anyone cares. Everyone's on her side anyway.

Later days. 

Much later.

Current Location: Ethan's Desk
Current Mood: infuriated infuriated
Current Music: Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip

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Ugh. Things were going well, then not, then decent...a real fucking rollar coaster. I haven't really updated in awhile because things have been kind of hectic and I haven't been home to get online. Now I feel neglent. D:

First of All, school is going amazingly well. I'm already at the top of the class and ahead of the game. >:O I'm such an overachiever. Lol. Just yesterday I was learning to place I.V catheters, even though technically we are not allowed to know. The teacher is so into defying all of the rules, hahaha. I took my final last week (Even though I was late due to my little sister's graduation) and I got a 100% on my written and a 102% on my practical. :> Yes, a 102%. Yay for extra credit! But seriously, I am feeling such a rush of accomplishment, and the fact that I am so close to living my dream is just in reach...it's such an amazing feeling. 8 more months until I graduate!!

I added another member to me and Ethan's little family...we adopted another kitten. She's sooo adorable, but not really a people person. Ah well, that's okay. We've named her Lexi. <3 At first, Alina didn't like her at all. But that didn't deter Little Bit (Lexi) from trying to play. xD; She'd run after Lina, wanting to play and Lina would throw a fit until finally she gave in accepted her. Now they are inseperable! I take them both to school all of the time and they have a ball roaming the classroom. Lexi is alright with the dogs that come in, but Lina hates them. :/ Poor thing, she fell off of a table trying to swat a Pit Bull. xD But I just love those two to death. They sleep with Ethan and me, and they are just a wonder to have.

Fucking A. I got my car like, 2-3 months ago and now I am carless once more. I got into a fucking accident on Tuesday. :/ Thank god it wasn't my fault, or I'd hate myself. My lame-ass engine failed right in the middle of the god damned street. I tried moving over out of the way, but I couldn't accelerate and so a large truck rammed into me, sending me over the curb and into a fire hydrant. *sighs* I have to get a new car. What a hassel. At least the man that hit me was polite enough. :/ I'm going to hate bumming rides from people...ugh...just like the fucking good ol' days, Mirite? </3

Things between me and Ethan have been just as flakey. I've been wanting my own time and he just wants me to remain with him...I dunno, shit happens. :/ But he and I talked about it last night when drinking and I think everything's okay now.

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Well, things were going well and I dont know what happened...I guess summer vacation. :/ But on a good note, Draynar is falling in luuuuurve. Ever since Kyn and Ran's death, he was all depressed n shit, but the arrival of a new female totally changed that. Dray is always with Xirena now, and it's obvious how he feels through rp. xD In a month or so, if all goes well, the two will begin courting. :3

I wish things would pick up, though. Arf...

Current Location: Ethan's Desk
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Daughtry - Feels Like Tonight

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Okay, time for an update. A few things have happened that I feel I should put into account. Lately I have been feeling irritable, everything is kind of setting me off. But only lately am I outwardly expressing it. Yesterday was a keen example of it. Ethan did nothing  but annoy me, and...ugh. I don't know. :/ Sometimes I regret moving in with him, because perhaps I wasn't ready? Kind of too late to be thinking that now, lol. Sometimes I wonder if he and I rushed into something we shouldn't have. Oh well, I can only try to make it work, I guess. :/

Last week, on Thursday, a new member of my family came into play. I rescued a beautiful kitten from being drowned. She's simply gorgerous and very intelligent, not too mention she has a load of personality! I dubbed her, Alina. She started sleeping with us, and immediatly the bond was forged. <3 She can be a little shithead sometimes, but I know she's only trying to play. She had her first Vet appointment a few days ago, so now I am content that she is healthy and will remain that way. I want her to be in our family for years to come. <3

On another happy note, on Monday, I started my Vet Tech school! It's been a trip, it's awesome. I love the pace, the instructor, and just, everything. <3 So far, I have a 101% in the class. I am so on it, haha. I even finished my project that I got 2 days ago, that was supposed to take a month. xD; I like being ahead, what can I say? Plus, this woman named Jennifer sits infront of me, and she's smart so we help each other out. I brought Buffy to class on my second day. :x She wasn't having it with the other dogs humping her, rofl. So she slept on my desk and just looked adorable. xD; She tried flirting with every guy that passed, I thought it was hilarious, I even made the comment, "Well she seems to only want male attention." when a guy stopped to pet her. He looked at me and laughed as he went down the hallway. I hope he didn't think I meant anything, because I didn't. D: And then this blonde guy, a Physical Fitness student, keeps trying to talk to me, and yesterday 2 guys and a girl started talking to me and asking me questions. Lol, I got along pretty well with them, the girl was pretty funny, and one of the guys talked about his wife and their little shithead dog. xD But that blonde has a rottie, awesome. >:O We started talking about our Rotts. Then he wanted to meet Alina, since I had brought her to class. ^^; I was like...I gotta go. Lol. But when I had brought Buffy, every time we passed his classroom, she'd try to go in there. How embarassing. He must think I was flirting. @.@ I hope not. But yeah, I brought Lina to class yesterday. She actually did very well, but not when she saw a dog. :/ Then we had to practice restraining a kitty with her and she kept yowling. Broke my heart. ;-;

Today I start my volunteer work at my Vet's. :D I can't believe they so readily agreed to that and they are allowing me to do my externship there. I was truly surprised. I'm leaving in a few to start, and I am not sure what is expected of me; I don't want to be a pest. ~.~ Arooof. D:

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It's starting to get bad. :/ There has been no rp in a week or more, and no one has really been on. u.u Fuck. Whatever.

Current Location: Kitchen Table
Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: Angels & Airwaves - Secret Crowds

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Yesterday was almost perfect. Almost...sooo close! Well, not 'perfect' but as close as -I- am able to get. I woke up in a normal mood; just....there. I guess. I wasn't mad, upset nor annoyed. But I wasn't ecstatic either. But as the day progressed, my mood seemed to improve. The vibe between me and Ethan was near perfect, I was so in love yesterday lol. Even work went well, zomg! <3 I had to stay until almost 9:00pm, but at least I was kept busy. 

However, one thing was keeping it from being perfect....when I first moved here Texas, I kept to myself and refused to make friends. But I hated being alone even more. In 2nd grade, this girl named Lindsay would constantly get me in trouble with our teacher, Mrs. Peterson. We started out absolutly hating each other. Lol. But for some reason, we became like glue and we were inseperable. Years down the road, our little 'group' grew and when we reached Freshman year of High School, I switched schools to be with my other friend, Skylar. Now, Lindsay and I kind of quit talking to each other and randomly, from time to time, we'd send each other messages on MySpace and the like. But after I moved out and I was getting so lonely, to the point of hard-hit depression, she messaged me asking if I wanted to hang out. It was like a message from God himself, hahaha. After that, we hung out all of the time and we picked up our friendship as if we were never seperated. But honestly...I wish she'd listen to me more. I mean, I can be mean and shit...but that's just me. But I'm also deathly loyal to my friends, honest to a point it hurts, and I care deeply. I hate seeing her hurt, even if she is not helping the cause at all. I know it's not easy forgetting someone...I've tried and it hurt so much, it became physical. But it was for the best, and I wish she could see how much better she'd be off without the douchebag guys in her life. I know it's all she knows, that familiarity...but Donald and I had that too, and I made it through. Me and Ethan might fight like crazy, but that deep bond we have keeps me with him, and vice versa. I love him deeply, even when I seem annoyed with him.

Lindsay, I know you're going to read this sooner or later, so let me tell you this; If you ever touch pills again, or anything else to hurt yourself, and I feel like you've betrayed not only myself, but yourself as well. You say you're not strong, but you CAN be. You just need to let yourself. I've dealt with some pretty shitty situations. I don't want you to have to go through that like I did. Just let them go. Matt and Drew sure as hell does NOT deserve you, find someone to be happy with that can make you happy. You say you loved them...well, then why do they continue to treat you like shit? Being in a loving relationship takes 2 people, and it's silly of you to think you can keep one with either. Lindsay, I love you like a dear friend and it pains me to stand back and watch you get hurt over and over. It makes me want to kick both guys in the face. >:/ It really makes me grind my teeth together to have to watch them treat you this way, and you going back for more. Just trust when I say I'll always be here for you when you need it. Whether it be advice, simple company, or a shoulder to cry on. I don't my back on people I care about.

*sighs* moving on from -that-...I got myself lost today. Lulz. Wow I am retarded. <_< >_> And I start Apollo in 6 days, AAHHHHH! I am so excited it's killing me, lol. My future looks so promising...but so much could happen to smother that. :/

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Things in TwilightVale are smooth, if not almost perfect. We had some awesome roleplay going on yesterday, some family bonding. <33 I found a player for Thundris and she's just awesome. xD <3 and Sam rps Zhakkan, so...yay! >:D Niv's daughter, Fleu seems like a sweet girl as well. Oh! And Lunarr joined too. <3 We're planning on giving him a Council Rank soon. Prolly Balkar male or Sikla male. Since he's in the Military, he's not active enough to hold Beta nor Gamma. OOOH and Katara/Tiffany had her baby last night! <3 A little girl. I was sad that I missed her being on, but I had to stay at work late. Rawr. =/

I'm hoping things pick up soon, but if not...bah, I'm content with things.

Current Location: Kitchen Table
Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: Godsmack - Moon Baby

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Holy crap life is stressing me out hardcore right now. It hasn't been this bad in awhile...perhaps for a few reasons that haven't come into play until the last few days. I don't want people to read this and think I'm just bitching, whining, complaining, or what the fuck ever. I'm actually scared for my life now...my health. Sure, it's always been on my mind but now it's a reality. The doctor stressed that I need to start doing something to help myelf, or I fuck myself over. And possibly the ones I love.

Most people I talk to know that I have Severe Scoliosis. I was diagnosed when I was 16, and I am 18 now. During that time, my spine curved about 15 degrees. That is alot. The thing is, is that if my body is still growing, there may be a chance my spine does as well. However, that doesn't seem to be the case at all. I'm done growing, my spine still is. I saw my X-Rays and I just...paled. It's weird to think that's inside me. The Doctor looked at me and said, "You're in the red zone. Something needs to be done. We can only do so much, because the decision is on you. Get surgery or find some way to help yourself." -_- Then my step-dad just said, "Physical Therapy is a must. We'll put her on that right away." I'm scared I can't do it. What if it isn't enough? What if it isn't. Fucking. Enough. I'll die at around 30 if the spine keeps progressing. It makes me want to rush life, you know? What about the one I love? I don't want to leave him behind...but...all the choices just don't make sense to me right now. Am I screwed? If I get surgery, that's 1 whole year of recovery time that I just cannot afford...not to mention, it could screw me even worse, AND, I wont be able to bear children, nor function in daily life. Yet, if we continue to not do anything...*shudders.* I don't know...it's almost way to real for it to...be real, ya know? I cried yesterday, and I know my hardcore step-dad wanted to do the same thing. He's always worried about my safety, even if he doesn't show it. When we first found out about this problem, my mom had to hold HIM as he cried while they were alone because he was worried about me...fuck...I'm scared....

Moving on from -that- particular subject...I feel as if I'm not going anywhere in life. Perhaps it was because of the back thing...I mean, hell, I'm going to college and living on my own...but, to me right now, it's....god, I feel as if I am fucking everything up. Just like I always do. I almost fucked up my relationship with Ethan hardcore over the weekend...I really don't want to go into specifics...but holy shit, I really messed up. Sure, I can over-react but so can he. He really...offended and hurt my feelings, even when he doesn't understand why. I just hope he knows I didn't mean to go overboard...I'm so sorry...I really want us to remain together for years to come. I couldn't even fathom life without him. I just really, really hope he sees that I'm sorry, and that I didn't mean for shit to go down like it did...Aroo. ;-;

Life is starting to get a little overbearing. I can't afford shit right now and it's starting to really affect me. I probably shouldn't have, but I'm taking Ethan to San Diego for a Saturday to see the Red Bull Air Races. *smiles a bit.* But I don't care, just seeing his eyes light up like that was very much worth it...I love seeing him happy, especially if it is with me. I hope the drive wont kill my back. I dont want to be the one to ruin the good time. >.<

Other than that....I think I am hanging on. =/ Lates.

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Decent, could be better. Just not in the mood to recruit or be strict right now. Katara, who was in SilverMists with me, joined Tv! I was excited, lol. She and I have been talking like crazy lately, especially of her husband, who was someone I vaguly knew. :x She has a babeh in a week, wewt! Matt/Berren is kind of back, of which I am happy about, and Niv had her puppehs! <33 3 of 'em, 2 faes and 1 male. Now to find players. D: I still have to find 2 for my sons...Ah well. Lol. I love Ran. <3 His player is so cool, lol. Things are quiet, but stable in TwilightVale right now. I couldn't ask for more. *sighs contently.*

Current Location: Ethan's Chair
Current Mood: distressed distressed
Current Music: Blink-182 - Story of A Lonely Guy

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It's been awhile since I've updated, but I ceased seeing a point anymore. =/ But now that I have things to say, then, yay for me. <3; I started a new journal for several reasons; A new wolf, new home, new start. Not to mention my last journal had my ex mentioned alot. Not in this one. Fresh start with everything. 

Let's start with something important, something I've been waiting for years and years. I GOT MY LICENSE. >:O That's right people, I'm on the road, watch out! <3 Nah, but I got it last month and now I can't stay out of the car. Sick and twisted, isn't it? Ahaha. But it's great, I've been dreaming about driving alot. Ethan always talks about racing and seems completly gaga over it. I can see myself easily getting into it. More bonding, yay! Haha. I've always had a need for speed. ;x I have a shitty car, and I really wish I had a better one...but it's what I have to work with so far, so... ^^; I'll make do. Now I can drive myself without feeling like a burden, finally.

On another, I got accepted into Apollo College for Vet Assistant! <3 I start May 5th. I'm so excited/nervous. D: I have my orientation on Friday and I get my scrubs. Ahaha I'm losing it. <3 it's such a large step towards my dream career. *does a little victory dance.* And the best part is, I got a scholarship and a grant so that's about 5 grand off my tuition. AND, my papaw is paying the rest of it! >:O My momma guilted him, rofl. I'll be going for about 9 months, then I graduate and get a diploma. ;x After I land a job and Ethan goes through his flight school, I'll return to school for my Bachlors degree and full Vet. license. But, don't want to totally overwhelm myself. x3; Speaking of college, the online course I have been doing is nearly complete. I'm on my last essay, and then my final. >:O Fook ya.

My love life has been off the charts lately...and I think it's thanks to my  new pet fish. xD They're so soothing and mellow, it seems to relax the atmosphere around them. Ethan seems facsinated by them, and it's adorable how he talks to them and spoils them. <3 it makes my love for him grow, fo srs. I've always wanted a man who loved animals...Ethan may not love them as much as me, but he cares for them at least. So, we haven't been arguing lately and last night I was trying to do my homework, and I felt a pang of...I'm not sure, rofl. But I had the urge to touch him. So when he leaned in to kiss me and before he walked off, I snatched his belt and dragged him down to the floor. <3 Where we simply lay in each other's arms and gazed into each other's eyes...that whole sappy bit. =P I seriously teared up; I couldn't voice just how much he meant to me, and how at home I felt next to him. A few days before, we were talking about marriage again and I have absolutly no doubt he's the one I want to spend my life with. I don't give a damn what people say, "Oh you're so young!" - So what? Just means I get to spend my life with the one I love. Nothing wrong with that. "But you havent dated around to find the right guy!" - I found him. I don't need to whore myself out. Kthnx. *sighs softly.* I'm definantly ready, and he's the one I want. 

I think that about sums it up. *stretches* For the most part, anyway. Save for the fact Morgan and I have been getting along alot better lately. I guess I'm mellowed towards alot of people. :O;

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Lulz, I did it again! x3; Well, it was a council decision. Myself and Moonweaver formed a pack together as Alphas (Under new characters, as mates.) Sure, it's not very active, but that's just fine with me. I'm surrounded by the 3 people I lurve. <3 My members are as follows, including the pups that were just born!

Alphas: Draynar & Kyndri
Beta: Nivana
Pups: Tsinga, Thundris, Rannoch & Zhakkan
Pledge: Kaliku

Kaliku may be a n00b in some senses, but she's a sweet girl and very dedicated to the pack. <3 We have a rank ready for her when she becomes of age. She'll be so happy and surprised, mwahaha. >:O I'm content with where things are at. And I plan on keeping it that way. ;x We have a meeting on friday, I'll update more about pack stuff later when something actually happens. Lol.

~Draynar, Alpha of the TwilightVale.

Current Mood: complacent complacent
Current Music: Gemini - Hypnotized

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